Hurt again...

Tak habis-habis ada je yang menyakitkan hati...
Ibu tua ni, keep on giving and giving, but do they care...
Ada kot, kasih pada ibu tapi tak tahu yang apa dia buat menggoreskan hati si tua ini!!!

Ye lah...apa lagi guna nya ibu, melainkan to raise u guys until dh besar panjang...
Free to think & do what u like...
Asal u happy dah le kan...

Ku luahkan hati kecewa ini...tiada yg memahami betapa terluka nya hati ini oleh anak ku sendiri...
X pelah , hati dah penat terluka dan tergores lagi dan lagi...
Rasa nak lari....lupakan segala kesedihan..

Tapi,
Ibu mana yang sanggup tinggalkan semua, walau betapa lukanya hati ini!!!!

Never Forgive, Never Forget...

This is what my 'dear' wrote ...
Made me think and ponder, he may be right,
But, I have forgiven for I do not wish to harbour hatred in my heart...
It is for me to move on,
Why should i let hatred govern my life...

Forgetting...not likely!!!
Too much  has happened and I am what I am now becus of it all!!!
Regretting...yes!!!
For giving my all and in return for the suffering I am facing now!!!

No ill feeling anymore and have forgiven...cus' am too tired to even care...
Pity is all that is left...for the stupidity of man in the name of love willing to forsake a marriage !!!

Now,
Taking one day at a time ...once in a while looking back for the mistake i had made..
Not hating, yet never forgetting...

Reminding me each day !!!!
A way for me to move on, to be wary and not to do the same mistake again!!!

Bored...

Am beginning to get bored with the job i'm doing now..:((
It's becoming routine, the excitement and challenge is gone...
Have to change mode...think it as my ricebowl!!!

Like being active, but age is catching up..
Guess, i have to accept and try to slow down my pace...
trying to do more, when body does not permit it...

Sigh....

Rugi...

Di awal pagi ini hanya satu yang bermain di fikiranku...
Rugi...
Segalanya di sia-siakan begitu saja..

No point reminiscing...
Had u given the chance, it would have been good...

I am not the one to give up..
But, when there is nothing left for me..
What else could i do...but to give in.,

After all it was your wish to destroy the years we built...
When u gave up on 'us' ...that was the time for me to let go...

The Pillar In My Life...

I have been very selfish!!! Actually, i don't deserve the love that u gave unselfishly...
I know now how much u gave of yourself in raising us, always being there for us.!
Taking things for granted, when deep down all u wish for is for us to be happy and safe...

Mak...
Thank U for caring and loving me the way u did... ,giving without expecting anything back !!!

Now that arwah is gone, i see the changes in u..,
U try to stay strong and happy, yet I see how time has changed U,
Wish I could make u happy like u used to...
Will try to be there 4u, Mak!!

Love u with all my heart...
Thank U for raising me and being there without fail...
Thank U  for sticking up to me even when I was wrong...
Thank U for believing in me...

To my ever loving mother ... Zauridah @ Zuridah Abdul Rahman!!!

Memories....25/10/2011

Has been quite a while since i logged in or should i say, jot down my what nots in here...
Shiema reminded me about it..lazy me or too bz with too much activities trying to catch up the lost time...
Before my memory fail me, best i write about them...

Yes, my children are my world to me now and forever...
They are the rose and the thorn of my life..
I love them so much as every mother loves their children...

I have been blessed with 4 wonderful kids, who loves me as i love them!!!

Recalling back, raising them for the past 22 years was full of joy and heartaches..
3 girls and 1 boy...Diyana, Shiema, Ikhmal and Amira..

Each one with their own childhood stories...

The time when D was always sick with very high fever, with fits and always making me worry whenever she was sick!!!  When i just had Shiema hardly a few months  with D having her fever fits in the passenger seat while I was driving!!!  I had to ask a friendly passerby to hold Shiema becus I had to attend to D at the hospital!!! Thank goodness the guy was very helpful and did not run away with Shiema!!!

I had no option then, as I was alone to handle the situation when D had to be admitted at the hospital...I love both of them, but i just had to make the best of the situation...I am sorry Shiema for that incident, not becus I do not love u...I just panicked!!!

Diyana - My first child, small and  most of the time. Always make me worry at the slightest signs of fever...
I was alone most of the time to take care of you, so my worries are paramount to keeping u  healthy.
A very shy, loving and quiet girl, always so obedient to her parents. With her sweet smile, always smiling and patient even when she was sick.. I am sorry u had to endure the pain from the high fever, tonsils and the hospitals. I am sorry for not being there when u woke up hours after the operation when u had your appendix removed... I knew you were dissappointed in me, guess by that time, your mum was  exhausted..Sorry is all i can say to u, my dear...

Diyana, is forever a very loving daughter ...Since small always so lovable to her parents, grandparents, uncle and aunties...with her sweetest of  smiles.!! BUT, i do remember the time u came back with your siblings, all drenched and dirty!!!  I was very angry with u guys and had me really worried!!!! Kids will be kids!!!!
I admire her patience having to endure when she was sick, still able to smile and be a very loving kid...
Never stop being that person, my daughter for you have a very beautiful heart...
 
Shiema...well, she is one tough daughter of mine.. Always trying to act tough , whereas deep inside is a very soft heart.. Again, I am sorry for not being able to be a good mother to u. I tried to give the best to u guys...
Since small, you are You!!! Your own individual, full of confidence.. Remembered when u came back from kindergarten, you'd get into your corner with your bottle of milk (hehehe...) ,lost to the world around you watching the cartoons in you undies and exercising non stop!!! (stubborn little one, at that!!!) I can see it in your face that time!!!  So determined to exercise at 5 years of age!!!! :))

Yet, despite the tough exterior i have neglected to see how sensitive you were, Shiema...I am again sorry, for not being able to understand u then...I was too bz thinking of raising u guys and working..To be honest, you resemble a bit of me...u hurt but u keep it inside u!!!  Stubborn and tough  on the outside,but hiding  the hurt inside u...

My only son, Ikhmal....  Boys will be boys, huh!!!  Naughty, sweet, loving boy...full of suprises ,always had me filled with worries... From the time u got hurt, u know where/which part...to the time u kicked  a 'ball'...hahaha!!!! The stitches u had to endure at the hospitals!!! You never cease to give me an almost 'heartattack' plus the asthma u suffered those days. My only son, full of memories with the hospitals... :)))

My youngest Amira...very cute when she was small and with her asthma always in and out of the hospital becus of it..Broke her arm when she was 3 just becus she fell from piggy back ride with the brother, Ikhmal!!!  You were the darling of your brother and sisters, with them giving their attention to u...

The 4 of you together, brings back memories and  cherised moments in bringing up my wonderful children...
Yes, your dad did  spend his time with you guys but most of the time, i had to deal with the situations alone as i see fit...

So, if ever either one of my children feel that I am not being fair to them, please do understand that i did it all to the best of my ability, with all the love i have for you...Never ever doubt my love for U...

A Simple Hi...

A simple Hi,hello or how are you?
Suffice to start a new day...
To know that u are being thought of..

Guess...to get that is like gold for some people...
Am human!!!
Have feelings and emotions...

How unfeeling can u be?
It shows how important I am!!!

Forget it!!!
Have given enough time for u to change your ways...
Time is too precious to waste for the likes of U!!!

No More Tears To Cry...

I feel the emptiness, an empty hole in my heart..
Yet, there are no more tears to cry.
Felt the wasted years that I had given with all my heart...
Tried to be the best in keeping the family intact...
Now that all is gone...
Felt totally empty for the loss of a family that i hold dear...

My children loves me and i love them too..
Now that they have lives of their own.., I am letting them go with an open heart.,
No more expectations for they have fulfilled their duties to me,
Now it is up to them to chart their lives..,

I have given more than I could afford..,
And my only regret is the family that I hold dear, is no more...
Not united as a whole...

Now, all that is left is just an empty hole in my heart....

Renungan ku ....keseorangan.

My kids all grown up...

Time flies...1989 till now 2011.
22 years...whew!!! A lifetime of heartaches yet most of it is filled with joy..
Joys of bringing up my kids...and now they are grown ups..
Responsible loving kids of mine... kids no more.:))

Looking at their pics when they were small...such naughty kids!!!
And now!!! Am very proud of them.!!!
Luv U Gals/Guy So Much!!! Mmuaaahh!!!

Living Alone...

For days i was worried, cried and felt total sadness,

Felt like I am being abandoned for good...

Helpless with what is going on in my life..

My children are leaving me..!!!

Drastic words...yet reality is, they are only going for their further studies,

I am happy for them to see my kids achieving their dreams and ambitions..

Living life, adapting to new environment...

I know they can't be with me at all time...they deserve to live their life

As parent..I am letting them go, with a heavy heart...

Sigh.:((

Of course i feel sad,becus there is no one beside me,

Not a single person to talk to...

That was my feeling....BUT!!!

I have been a survivor and i fight back!!!

Fight back this feeling that will only make me down...

Why should i feel down??

For now...

I wish to start living again for ME!!!

Selfish??? I am not...for I have given my all to the family...

I know someone will gloat...huh!!!

U may gloat all u want...at my being left alone!!!

I only see it as an opportunity for me to grow!!!

It is time for ME - being lonely is only how u perceive it...

I have a lot ahead of me...and i intend to make my life worth living...

The only regret is the time I have wasted to a person who does not know how  to appreciate the 'FAMILY'!!!

LONELY - is when u let it to be even if u are in the midst of a big crowd!!!!

To living alone!!!

For I know wherever my children are, they are always near in my heart and vice versa..

MMuuuah...i luv u all!!! 

 

How Do u Know....Guts,Instinct???

Deep down , gut feeling says a lot of things..

But, I wish it is not reality...

Hati dah berkata-kata...kenapa tak admit je!!!

Demi nak percaya yg ia adalah benar..

What a romantic fool, I am!!!

Guess...trusting someone still takes some time for me to accept,

especially when it involves my heart...

I feel again, yet i do not trust...

Putting doubts in my mind and heart...

So...my assumption, 

If he is the one...then time will tell how sincere is he towards me...

Whether he is just a jerk or just plain honest towards me...

Kalu ada jodoh ... ada lah!!!

Beautiful.....!!!!

Woke up, happy n positive...eager to face loads of junk aka work!!!
Shifting gear to uphill mode!!!
Poket kosong...haha, tp hati penuh!!!
My kids.,don't worry...
Yr mum is a survivor kan...!!!
Luv U all!!!

My tots & memories...

They say it is not good to look at the past...,
Only for me...to look back cus' dah beginning to lupa citer2 lama..hehehe
Looking back about my kids...how it was with them...
From kecik cinoni n now dah besar2 belaka..
All leading their lives...dah pandai berdikari...
Guess.. i have done my duty quite good.. :))

Am happy with what they have become...
confident with purpose in life...achieving their hopes and dreams..
To my anak2 - this blog will be my memoirs of U (the one i love with all my heart..)

Tak lupa juga to my frenz - 'all' 
 Being with me, teaching this silly woman to lead a good life...
Thanks again my dear frenz...Luv u guys!! 

Still New..

Still adjusting to this blog...
In time will add my views ... do have another blog was and is active at...
 For now...to life,family & friends...hello!!!